Oh, my. Been a while, hasn't it? While I've largely moved on to different, more animated films, I recently rewatched this movie and had some thoughts about it. So... Hey, let's do this.
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| Look out! Russell Crowe is going to shoot you! |
PLOT - Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1199. We open up at the tail end of the Crusades, and Richard the Lion Ass is wondering what people think of him, so he wanders out among his men to find one that will tell him the truth. He finds an honest man in Robin Longstride, a simple archer. The King asks Robin how people see his war, and Robin, who’s grown weary of fightin’ ’round the world, demonstrates why he’s an archer and not a king-talker-to by telling him the truth, and is pilloried for his trouble. But then the king gets shot in the neck, ah, we all have problems. Robin and his friends make a run for it, and come across a group of knights that were ambushed. Stealing their armor under the sensible assumption that knights have an easier time getting onto boats than soldiers, they make for England, planning on retiring to the country.
Whoopsie! Turns out the guy whose armor Robin stole is Robert Locksley, the king‘s BFF, and he has to return the royal crown to London to avoid suspicion, then go to Locksley’s absurdly named farm, Pepper Harrow, to settle his affairs. There, Locksley’s wife Marian actually manages to work out that her husband was killed. It’s the little things, like how Robert spoke with an English accent instead of an Australian/Irish garble, and how he wasn’t Russell Crowe. But the farm’s in trouble, and she thinks he’ll be useful to have around, so she lets him stay. Her most pressing concern is the grain. See, the Sheriff of Nottingham has seized nearly all of Pepper Harrow’s seed corn, and the church refuses to release any from its stores. With the aid of his men and the local priest, Robin steals the church’s grain, and plants it to hide his crime. And… yeah, that’s pretty much it for the Robin Hood part. I hope you like hearing about King John’s dick, because there’s about 2 hours of that sprinkled in there.
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